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Sexting My Condolences - A Collection of Naked Demos

by Matthew Hamer

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1.
Love & Sleep (Demo) (free) 03:54
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I’m closing my window To keep out the cold I can’t be near any of that Anymore I used to go outside but There I am alive And if you’ve been alive you know Just what I mean Now I lie in my bed Pretending to be dead For rarely has a deadman Felt any dread Nothing fulfills me Like being barely breathing I’m losing all feeling And my motives the same I long For the lull of the calm Simple things like yawning and inaudible songs I dream About nothing at all And I never feel lost as long as you’re never far From me Now I can’t say much Of any conscious sort of love But the kind you find half sleeping Is the best I’ve ever touched The melancholy leaves me Just like all my fears and worries Your palms are warm and fill me With affection and placidity And it doesn’t feel cheap to me I’ve gone The way of the sun I rise too late in winter to keep you Warm or full of love I feel Almost nothing at all I fear not if I fall And that’s just what is killing me I can’t find the balance Between what I want and what I need need I never grew up And I never learned to be free Alone there is no love in me Alone there is just drudgery But drowsy there is only peace Of mind and ease and love and sleep But I’d lie beside you and rest in Your hands my face Trace the lines in your fingers until I can’t keep awake Love and sleep they are the same I’m loveless when it’s all mundane The things I love they don’t love me Still is all I want to be But now you left behind an open window I can’t recall The last thing I wanted at all I see ceilings you and bedsheets but Never anything more You’re a safe and silent splendor For you all daylight I surrender This warmth in my chest Prospers most in caress Take your hand in mine and rest And we’ll never feel ache or ambition Again
2.
Broken Toy Soldier (Also A Demo) (free) 03:55
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I wish I was a broken toy soldier Lying covered in dust on a shelf knocked over With one missing arm and a loaded machine gun I’d use my only trigger finger to kill everyone I wish I was the one to tell my toy comrade’s parents That their son was dead now nothing more than spare plastic Then I’d ramble on about how there’s no heaven And if there was your poor Jimmy would be sent right to hell I beg someone render me Inanimate and devoid of feelings Erase me entirely And with my body take these dealings I’m a danger to society Driven by anxieties When I run out of false apathy I do anything to stimulate me Like I’d make out instead of up for once I’d tell half-assed lies whenever I fucked up I’d steal shitty wine from my paranoid neighbors And vandalize white fences for fun I’d tell you all my fantasies About crashing cars into tepid seas And kissing while we fell into the bay Then killing each other before we asphyxiate I’d rob hospitals and libraries blind I’d give every single dollar I find To the now broken families of spouses I’d make cheat Just to take it back from them while they’re sleeping I’d plant evidence to make charities seem corrupt I’d spread rumors to make people fall out of love Entertainment is a breeze when you’re a toy army man in green And your plastic housing will house no feelings I’d take lovers and make them concubines I’d ask way too fucking much of people I like I’d tell all my friends they’re not fun enough To justify their presence in my life I’d dedicate the despicable songs I write To the drugs I’d do almost every night And the thoughts I’d trade for any other blight Then regret doing so as soon as I try to... ...Write, another overexposing line About my misunderstanding of everything in my life And the people I love but don’t begin to deserve to I deserve to be a broken toy soldier I don’t want to feel I don’t want to feel a thing I don’t want to know I don’t want to know I don’t want to feel a thing I don’t want to feel I don’t want to feel anymore I’m tired of feeling anything Feeling anything I don’t want to feel anything no more
3.
smd (free) 02:37
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I am surprisingly aspiring For someone who doesn’t count On making thirty or inspiring Anyone who could recount My songs are painful to the ear If the owner has a heart But if they’re like me then my dear I’m sorry but I know how you are You’re probably waiting for Some sign from up above That place you don’t believe in Or people you try to love You’re not asking for any help You’re expecting it to come You’re wishing someone would have the courage To force you open up But instead you write sad poetry And mold it into melodies That you will sing slightly off key To anyone that will listen And laugh at what you do for You can’t take yourself seriously Or process any tragedy Without making a joke You’ve ruined most relationships And new friends you make you half expect To leave you as soon as you can let Yourself once be honest with them You’re becoming who you used to hate Excusing all of your mistakes Because the future is too much to take And you need something to get you through You’re being way too revealing In everything you’re writing Not leaving space for breathing Just to make you hate it later Half wishing that someone will Take heart in what they listen to But hoping that they never do Because no one should ever have to feel like you I am surprisingly aspiring For someone who doesn’t count On making thirty or inspiring Anyone who could recount
4.
Spine (free) 05:03
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I felt it in my spine But that was all I could feel I know that I should be fine But this is another episode I'm sorry it's not your fault you know There's no power in words anymore Nothing's affecting me like you'd think it should be Moments don’t hold any weight Unless I’m watching them on TV With good cinematography If the colors of the landscape Aren’t as vivid as they should be We’ll walk somewhere else instead because I can’t love you without imagery This soundtrack is a bore And for provocation I am a whore Stick me with pins while I fuck and I sing Until I can't feel my spine anymore You said "I don't believe you anymore This isn't you you're just saying these things for Inability to cope with your thoughts And the fact that you're always bored" I said "you know me far too well But you're far too kind to me I deserve hostility And to rot inside my overwhelmedness And walk alone when I enter hell" You see lately I’ve been thinking There’s nothing that I can give I can’t make a difference I can’t fix a god damn thing But I can write sad songs And sing to feel like I belong And I sing averagely at best But if I don't you will move on Even when I'm with you I'm lonely sometimes I thought you would cure me of sorrow But you're just a blanket for my mind You warm me up slightly But my head it still aches My heart it could be burning But my mind it would stay the same Nothing can fix me I'm made of mistakes I find people to fill me But feel guilt and feel shame For no one should have to be My drug through their days I'll always be longing For another taste
5.
Render Me In Abstract (Acoustic) (free) 05:41
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I tried so hard to find a place To set my easel down and paint The gales would carry my canvas away At the hillside the dunes and by the bay But by the stream the water’s clean and the winds don’t move me I’ll sketch a scene down by the rocks and watch the current glide gently atop And with my pencils I will draw an open window and a door ajar And I will depict me taking leave with my hands gripping all the keys And when it rains I will make, every effort to escape And save my pictures from the stain, of the soaking it will ordain Beneath a tree and in the shade, out of the downpour I can stay Back from droplets that will decay, so I can simply sit and paint You could provide the shading and I could offer color If you prefer we could drip the paint And use our hands to smother I could paint you anywhere I could perfectly portray Or render you in abstract But it won’t keep your cleverness away I drop my palate when I’m close to the sea, it’s knocked from my hand with a gust of the breeze I’d paint in cities but there’s nothing to see, and I’ve never been inspired by dirty concrete I’ve been to galleries and seen works of art, none of my pieces are quite up to par But you’re an exception you’re pure insurrection, I could never fully illustrate your exemption And in a tempest I will stay, far from mirrors and glass panes The shards of which tend to arrange, themselves in an unkind manner And when all our resilience fails, and distractions have no avail I will take my paper and my pen, and I will draw us out of there You could provide the shading and I could offer color If you prefer we could drip the paint And use our hands to smother I could paint us anywhere I could perfectly portray Or render us in abstract But it wouldn’t keep us both away

about

Just a bunch of assorted demos I made in prep for an actual EP of songs to be released shortly. Many songs have changed but these are the original versions.

credits

released August 31, 2015

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all rights reserved

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